Embracing the Journey: Understanding the Depths of Motherhood

April 17th, 2024

---

Shurrell Berdan 4/2024

Where does motherhood start? The pink lines? When your trying? When they slap it on your chest?

Motherhood started for me April 23rd, 2019. I felt a new emotion that day, true loss. They told me I was pregnant and experiencing my first miscarriage in the same breath. Everything after that was a blur. Part of me feels like every moment until January 23rd, 2022, was simply survival.

I took 6 tests that day. Not believing the results, I had a blood test done. I asked for an ultrasound and even though it was still really early, they did it to ease my anxiety. Nothing.

They told us to prepare for the same devastation. Our next appointment we had already been through this before. We knew the drill. We sat in silence for the technician to come deliver the news. As she wheeled in the cart, we explained the situation and our past loss.

The silence was deafening.

Until it wasn't...

She turned the screen and we see the tiniest flutter, she flips a switch and the thudding shook my whole world.

"There is your baby", tears swelled in her eyes.

Motherhood started long before this moment, but I felt it truly encapsulate me. I didn't just become a mother, I was one but it flowed through my vains, it was in every breath I took, it is everywhere I look.

McKenzie Sitsler March 2024 Photographer: Honey B

Over the course of 2 months, I met with 8 mama's. Each one wearing motherhood differently. There were first time moms, moms who suffered loss, some having their 2nd, 3rd, or 4th. Each one talked about the new life as if they had met them already. The fact you could feel the anticipation vibrating off each family, I knew I was not the only one to feel how parenthood truly takes over your being.

One mom asked me, "what is your favorite part of being a parent so far?"

It took me a moment but to be totally honest, I could not think of a reason I dislike being a mom. I remember the confused looks when I said, "the 3am wake ups." Those were the most raw moments of my life. Exhausted, sticky, confused but it was second nature. I would get up, grab her, feed her and comfort her till she was sleeping again. I look at my now 19 month old now, I feel her needing me less. When I wake up to my alarm, its almost disappointing she didn't need me through the night. The hardest, draining moments, are the moments that made me realize how truly badass it is to be a parent. But these moments are quickly replaced with new ones.

We are not given one child for life, We are lucky to experience so many versions of our babies that it is almost hard to miss them. I was greeted with this tiny, sweet, calm newborn. She was rarely fussy and was so easy to comfort. We then met our baby, still sweet as ever, but so bubbly and loved people. Now I look at my tornado toddler and knew eventually she would have her dads traits. Joking... Mostly. I count three kids in less than 2 years. What is even cooler, you can see the transition! Currently, our girl is not saying many words, but in between what we call her zoomies, (We had 5 fur babies before she came along.) her fearless need to climb every single thing she possibly can. I see a new kid emerging. She is thoughtful, empathetic, kind and SO brave. She says, "I sorry" and "Love you", but she also pointed at the dog and said, "Shit".

Froseth Family March 2024 Photographer: Honey B

Talking to parent who were parents before me, felt like a pat on the back. Watching different parenting, helped me take in to account, each of these tiny little humans are so vastly different. It could never be a one size fits all. I could see a difference even in the same families. One child needs more reassurance while the other may be more independence. 3 years ago I would have been a little judgy, like why not hold both kids equally. I had to learn a lesson on Equity.

One of these mama's of multiples uttered something absolutely profound to me, "their childhood is also my motherhood. They may not remember all the little things, but I will." I have heard similar sayings and seen little inspirational posts like it on social media, but hearing this, as I watched these parents look over everything they have created. This breathtaking life we create day to day is not just for ourselves, our spouse or our kids, its the family as a whole. We work in unison to build. We as parents create this magical world for our children, and they do the same in return. You get the magic you give. My daughter wants to push every single thing she see with wheels, when I was at work, we got this exceptionally smooth rolling cart (If you work in a school you understand the treasure that is.) all I could think of is her pushing this around laughing.

Ali Draeger March 2024 Photographer: Honey B

I did a select few sessions in the expecting families homes and these ones will hold a special place in my heart. Most parents understand the insane need to nest. The pride shining off their faces as they show me the tiny details, the little mobiles that their grandma handmade, the blankets their moms made, the rockers and cribs that they used as babies. This generational help is becoming less common every year. We have less help, we are creating our own villages or doing it alone.

Generations pass down a variety of things, from trauma, curses, poverty, wealth, to names. Something I evaluate often is what I will pass down. I will catch a glimpse of my mother when I am overwhelmed and it boils over to yelling. I am not her. I see my father when I am on the verge of quitting. I am not him. While my name is a namesake, I would never burden my child with that. I remember the gut wrenching feeling of sitting at my dad's funeral and repeatedly hearing my name. Seeing my name on a gravestone.

Shurrell Berdan April 2024 Photographer: Honey B

I vividly remember each time my hair was cut off as a child. The first time is very blurry and it is the only time I wasn't absolutely gutted by it. At the time, I didn't understand the idea of femininity. Till this day, I can still hear the laughs and boy comments. I already grew up as the youngest of three girls, and a tom boy. I felt the features of my womanhood being tore from me. I recall 6 times my hair was taken from me.

The first time was my own doing, I was young, you know the Rugrats? I wanted to be Tommy Pickles. The next time I was 6 years old, I had thick mats in my hair. After two yanks on my hair, my mother pulled out the scissors. At 7, I was running through the woods and came out with my hair is tangles and pickers so deep, you couldn't tell what was my hair and what was pickers. She didn't even attempt to brush it out. Months later I was on the bus, my hair was still pretty short, but healthy so it was growing. I remember I was telling my friend how I was so happy I could finally tuck my hair behind my ears again. The blow to the back of the head had nothing on the realization that something wet and sticky was being smashed into my head.

These moments drained the femininity from me. These are moments I look at my daughter, and couldn't imagine her feeling the way I did. Especially in moments that you should be experience a special part of girlhood. We started this routine when we wake up, we have a wake u song, She will grab a book and flip through it when I make up a story. I will take a comb and tenderly pick out any knots. Each time I pull her soft hair back, It heals a part of me that never experienced this sympathetic touch.

L. Berdan Photographer: Honey B

We all break generational curses and break out of traumas, but something that weighs heavy on my heart is the thought of my daughter some day needing to do the same. Far from perfect, I know I will not always make the right choices, some day she will talk about her parents mistakes, but I can only hope it is followed up with, "but they always tried their best, and I was happy."